the way it is, is the way it's meant to be

6:09 AM // Day 23 

Meditation Time: 29 min. 

  Observation: I'm becoming more sensitized to over-stimulation. The other day I vowed to get off the internet for 36 hours. That's a long time in my world. Blogging, Facebooking, emailing and research keeps me pretty well hooked-up throughout the day. Every single one of those activities is a pull outside myself. Maybe I'm not 'traveling to other worlds' in my mediation yet, because first I am meant to become hyper aware of the world I am in now. What works and what is out of balance. 

  Attempting to sit still in the morning is in total juxtaposition to the fragmenting that happens through the overuse of technology. Putting myself 'out there' on the internet opens a gigantic door of access - not just for me to the world, but the world to me. It's wonderful, as I am connected to amazing people and information that I could have never imagined 10 years ago. But if I'm not taking care of myself, not resting or eating regularly, getting exercise etc. my ability to remain detached from all the stimulus - weakens, and I find it harder and harder to access my own thoughts, heart and the intuition I rely on for my work.

  I gave myself a gift. Over the past 42 hours I have not stepped onto the internet once. Paying attention to just me; I cleaned my space, did piles of laundry, napped, went to the chiropractor, made art, took baths, cooked a real meal with my daughter and read a book! 

  I also began to feel new things.  Valuing myself and my own time just a little, made me realize how much I haven't be valuing myself enough at all. Focused on giving other people an experience of poetry or art or heart or help or my time - I forget to give myself those things first. I do that a lot. Tears welled in me over this today. I began reflecting on all the areas of my life where I haven't given myself value and what ended up manifesting in the world, work or through relationships in order to reflect back what is sometimes hard to see without a mirror. 

whoa - heavy

  Meditation has not been a super bliss ball for me yet. It's been pleasant, but not tremendously sensual. The changes occurring are subtle and not so subtle, my life is waking up. I'm being made to look at the little pockets of discomfort or imbalance so easily ignored when just going through the motions of everyday - day to day to day to day existence. 

  The challenge is staying with it and trusting that the way it is, is the way it's meant to be. 

Rewind to Day 22

i was expecting bliss...

6:25AM // Day 22

Mediation Time 13 minutes (NOT ENOUGH) 

  After days of half participating in my meditation practice... 

  By that I mean, skimming the surface, barely dipping in, giving myself only a few minutes here or there at random times to connect - (out of a sense of obligation rather than heart) I finally sat this morning with anticipation. Isn't it funny how when you finally feel ready, the world has it's way with you?

  

  I was interrupted multiple times - by the cat, by the child, by the phone... Just as I was beginning to sink into the honey place, the warm yummy place I've been so longing to experience. What a tease. What a damn tease. I got about 13 minutes of sitting time. Total focused uninterrupted time: approx. 2 minutes.

  I admit that I had been secretly hoping this mediation experiment was going to pick up right where I left off when I was meditating regularly - some years ago. Technology is reconstructing our minds to be accessed only by that which instantly gratifies. We want instant bliss, instant answers, instant ego stroking... 

  When I split with my husband in 2003 I took refuge in a regular practice of meditation as a means to resurrect my damaged sense of self. It was my rock, my bliss, my happy place. I felt connected to the sacred in me and was steadily committed to honoring myself through this special time. Because of my commitment I began experiencing amazing places inside myself; beautiful sounds, lights, waves of love and stillness. 

  Like anything, it's not like you forget how to do it just because you haven't done it for a while. But you may need to rebuild muscle and reinvigorate stamina to be able to go the distance.

  I guess that's where I'm at. Trying not to give up just because I'm not instantly accessing the juiciest parts. Like any kind of commitment... there is a training period, it takes elbow grease at first, and then it takes every day recommitting, trying again, trying it new, forgiving the stumbles, get up, try again... keep going.

i do.

Rewind to Day 21

Fast Forward to Day 23