the way it is, is the way it's meant to be

6:09 AM // Day 23 

Meditation Time: 29 min. 

  Observation: I'm becoming more sensitized to over-stimulation. The other day I vowed to get off the internet for 36 hours. That's a long time in my world. Blogging, Facebooking, emailing and research keeps me pretty well hooked-up throughout the day. Every single one of those activities is a pull outside myself. Maybe I'm not 'traveling to other worlds' in my mediation yet, because first I am meant to become hyper aware of the world I am in now. What works and what is out of balance. 

  Attempting to sit still in the morning is in total juxtaposition to the fragmenting that happens through the overuse of technology. Putting myself 'out there' on the internet opens a gigantic door of access - not just for me to the world, but the world to me. It's wonderful, as I am connected to amazing people and information that I could have never imagined 10 years ago. But if I'm not taking care of myself, not resting or eating regularly, getting exercise etc. my ability to remain detached from all the stimulus - weakens, and I find it harder and harder to access my own thoughts, heart and the intuition I rely on for my work.

  I gave myself a gift. Over the past 42 hours I have not stepped onto the internet once. Paying attention to just me; I cleaned my space, did piles of laundry, napped, went to the chiropractor, made art, took baths, cooked a real meal with my daughter and read a book! 

  I also began to feel new things.  Valuing myself and my own time just a little, made me realize how much I haven't be valuing myself enough at all. Focused on giving other people an experience of poetry or art or heart or help or my time - I forget to give myself those things first. I do that a lot. Tears welled in me over this today. I began reflecting on all the areas of my life where I haven't given myself value and what ended up manifesting in the world, work or through relationships in order to reflect back what is sometimes hard to see without a mirror. 

whoa - heavy

  Meditation has not been a super bliss ball for me yet. It's been pleasant, but not tremendously sensual. The changes occurring are subtle and not so subtle, my life is waking up. I'm being made to look at the little pockets of discomfort or imbalance so easily ignored when just going through the motions of everyday - day to day to day to day existence. 

  The challenge is staying with it and trusting that the way it is, is the way it's meant to be. 

Rewind to Day 22

i was expecting bliss...

6:25AM // Day 22

Mediation Time 13 minutes (NOT ENOUGH) 

  After days of half participating in my meditation practice... 

  By that I mean, skimming the surface, barely dipping in, giving myself only a few minutes here or there at random times to connect - (out of a sense of obligation rather than heart) I finally sat this morning with anticipation. Isn't it funny how when you finally feel ready, the world has it's way with you?

  

  I was interrupted multiple times - by the cat, by the child, by the phone... Just as I was beginning to sink into the honey place, the warm yummy place I've been so longing to experience. What a tease. What a damn tease. I got about 13 minutes of sitting time. Total focused uninterrupted time: approx. 2 minutes.

  I admit that I had been secretly hoping this mediation experiment was going to pick up right where I left off when I was meditating regularly - some years ago. Technology is reconstructing our minds to be accessed only by that which instantly gratifies. We want instant bliss, instant answers, instant ego stroking... 

  When I split with my husband in 2003 I took refuge in a regular practice of meditation as a means to resurrect my damaged sense of self. It was my rock, my bliss, my happy place. I felt connected to the sacred in me and was steadily committed to honoring myself through this special time. Because of my commitment I began experiencing amazing places inside myself; beautiful sounds, lights, waves of love and stillness. 

  Like anything, it's not like you forget how to do it just because you haven't done it for a while. But you may need to rebuild muscle and reinvigorate stamina to be able to go the distance.

  I guess that's where I'm at. Trying not to give up just because I'm not instantly accessing the juiciest parts. Like any kind of commitment... there is a training period, it takes elbow grease at first, and then it takes every day recommitting, trying again, trying it new, forgiving the stumbles, get up, try again... keep going.

i do.

Rewind to Day 21

Fast Forward to Day 23

 

pause

Days 16 - 21
Meditation Times: I don't know

  Days when candles appear are days when I DID meditate, but either didn't feel like writing about it, went on holiday, or just plain didn't have time. I forgive & accept myself. Namaste.

Rewind to Day 15
Fast Forward to Day 22

the safety of suffering

8:37 AM // Day 15

Meditation Time: 33min. 

  Using my heart more. Or less. Things beginning to come into focus around my issues or other peoples issues brought to my awareness. It's like thin films of skin over the eyes lifting one by one. With every blink - more clarity. A little more sense extracted from the nonsense we create. 

Photo by Devadatta Best http://www.lightinspiredart.com

  It fascinates me how glued we are to our own suffering... whatever particular form it manifests for us. We all have a go-to place we resort to when not willing or ready to move forward with our life. Even when things are really good - great opportunities are falling from the sky - it's unbelievably easy to justify turning our back on grace, in order to return to our safe suffering place. I'm not saying we like suffering, I'm saying we're comfortable there. Are we socially conditioned to believe suffering is acceptable - noble even, and living our bliss, living our worth, following our dreams is asking too much? Or that suffering is REAL(ity) and bliss - an illusion - a mirage of temporary fleeting childish delight? 

  I'm experimenting with the latter. 

  How do you choose "suffering", daily, weekly, monthly? And what gives you the strength to follow your heart, ask for what you're worth - follow through with joy?

Rewind to Day 14
Fast Forward to Day 16

the key of loving i

10:02 AM // Day 14

Meditation Time: 28min.

Too simple it would be - 
To find atop an icy mountain 

Or gather
Under waterfalls of man made stars

Too easy it would be -  
To catch in the first wave

Ride in the first high

Hit - the rock bottom 

Too common it would be - 
To grasp from pages of a well told story

One with religious undertones/or overtones

(Way too common that would be)

This Simple
Looking.

Too asking

To wondering

Too challenging

To investing

Too testing

To trying

Too regretting

To getting

Too losing

To trusting

Too fearing

To friending

The love

Inside

Too simple

This l o v e 

i hide

Rewind to Day 13

Fast Forward to Day 15

giving self-time

6:14 AM // Day 13

Meditation Time: 29min. 

  There are millions of ways to approach meditation. Okay, maybe not millions, but definitely lots. I've tried several handfuls of these ways over the years and I can safely say "lots" of them work really effectively. Mantra repetition, conscious breathing techniques, visualization, imaginiZation, thought watching, counting, chanting and yoga can all be used as ways to enter the space of nothing/somethingness. But since rejuvenating my daily practice recently, I haven't given a second thought to using any one of these techniques.

  They DO work! And I know my experience would be enhanced if I applied them. But right now I find myself celebrating the pure act of getting out of bed, lighting a candle - sometimes a little incense, sitting in a leg pretzel/back straight position and closing my eyes. That's all I've been ready to ask of myself so far. It's been just right, and I've been committed to it everyday since I said I would, and my life is really changing because of it. But this morning I did think I might be ready to introduce a little more structure... I may be ready to go deeper. If not that, at least sit up a little straighter.

  Stay tuned...

When you goof up drawing meditation legs, it's easy to turn them into a heart mountain with a flower growing out...

Rewind to Day 12
Fast Forward to Day 14 

 

did meditation clean my room?

6:16 AM // Day 12

Meditation Time: 28min. 

SOMETHING PROFOUND HAPPENED 

(please read yesterdays post, then read this one all the way to the bottom)

 *Sharing snippets of my daily life is relevant to this meditation experiment; I want to break stagnant sludgy patterns that keep me from living my best, most complete, fullest honey dripping, bliss chasing, crowd rousing, dance happy life.......SO. 

  So if I notice my life changing during the course of this daily meditation ritual/experiment of waking up at absurd hours, sitting up straight with my eyes closed and breathing in funny ways, then I'm going to make note of it.

THIS IS A CONTINUATION FROM YESTERDAY'S POST

  I took nearly EVERYTHING out of my room... peeled my 12-year-old daughter off the computer so we could take nearly everything out of her room too! All day was spent shoving furniture around, emptying book shelves, dusting everywhere, sweeping, folding, rethinking and reawakening our personal space. 

  Late last night as I was pulling back together the sweet details of my surroundings... I paused. My heart was tingling, my eyes were smiling, I was experiencing a state of expansion like I remember when I was 18 and life was before me and I was painting it the way I wanted and having hope. Making space for myself to function correctly is a reclamation of hope. 

  Life isn't out of our power. We shape it all the time by what we do, or don't do. When our heart breaks it's easy to give up pieces of the hope we are born with. When it breaks repeatedly, we give up more pieces. We give up lots of things. But I think hope might be the most dangerous.

  Is it too early to say meditation is helping me recollect the pieces? Is it meditation? Or is it my commitment to meditation? Offering time to myself everyday; could it be causing me to care more? Could it be causing me to become more aware of that which blocks me from caring more? 

hmn...

Rewind to Day 11

Fast Forward to Day 13

storm

Mid-Morning // Day 11

Meditation Time: Not Long Enough (10 or 12 minutes)

  The weather people predicted a storm in Southern California and they sure did get one!! I was raging since first light and I think there may have been a little rain too... 

  Pissed at the weather - not because there was some, but because there wasn't enough. Then my space was driving me crazy - particularly everything, but most particularly my meditation/writing/sleeping space. Overwhelmed completely by my "stuff." (I mean that figuratively and literally of course). Feelings like - I CAN'T DO IT ALL and I HAVE TO DO IT ALL!! Feeling trapped by too much coming at me, even though lots of it has to do with my dreams coming true. Tired of moving things around to make them temporarily feel fixed - I WANT AN ENTIRE OVERHAUL, INSIDE OUT, UPSIDE DOWN, CLEAN IT UP, MOVE IT OUT, MAKE IT WORK - DAY OF RECKONING! 

  But not until after I have a cry in my robe on the kitchen floor... 

Me in my robe crying on the kitchen floor.

   
  To be continued...


Rewind to Day 10
Fast Forward to Day 12

message in my bottle

6:36 AM // Day 10

Meditation Time: 23min. 

  

  All I can remember were my dreams - vaguely. Dream time last night was all about receiving messages... about people, from people, about myself, the world in general, things to do, places to go, words to remember - a flowing river of information. Messages kept popping up in my "inbox."

  Meditation this morning was spent attempting to file all the information that landed on me last night. I'm not sure if my file can hold all this.

  Sometimes my dreams are like meditation. Sometimes my meditations are like a dream.


Rewind to Day 9
Fast Forward to Day 11 

 

i guess i feel naked again

After 9 AM // Day 9

Meditation Time: I don't know

It's the naked feeling I get when I begin something new. 

In this case it didn't begin in the beginning, it began on day 9. 

Hello day 9. 

How uncomfortable you are!

You, in relation to the world. 

Me - in relation to the world, actually.

Why are your eyes going in so many directions akka?

Day 9. 

Is anyone watching? 

Is no one watching? 

What are the watching or the not watching wondering? 

Is it very interesting to be watching and wondering?

Or wondering what you're watching?

Or watching what you're watching?

Or watching what I am wondering about what you are watching? 

I guess I feel naked again

Under all these complicated layers of watching and not watching 
I've been watching myself watch myself watching. 

It feels like someone else is watching. 

But I guess it's just me. Or...? 

Rewind to Day 8
Fast Forward to Day 10

empty

6:37 AM // Day 8

Meditation Time: 27min.

Empty Space.

Am I going to get bored here?

Rewind to Day 7
Fast Forward to Day 9

trampoline of creative chaos

6:31 AM // Day 7

Meditation Time: 14min.

    All the things I want to do are acting like kids on a trampoline... boing, boing, boing! "Pick me, pick me" they all say. I do want to pick them ALL - and at the same time of course. As a creative creature I get easily overwhelmed by all the 'so much's' pushing to get in. I do want them ALL, and I want to run away from them too. Often I feel like I won't be able to handle even one thing, because I can't separate the "one" thing from all the things.

  Creating this blog, has been a little like doing - one more thing that I don't really NEED to be doing. I could easily be busy for the rest of my life, just focusing on poetry and accessing the heart through creativity. But, here's the truth:

  That "one more thing I don't really NEED to be doing" statement I made earlier - is a total lie. It's a lie because as I've been doing it (this daily meditation thing and blogging about it thing), it has become evident to me there ARE some things I NEED, and this practice of connecting to my quiet, warm, buzzy place is essential to managing my trampoline of ideas that will never go away. 

  Yes - creative ideas and "opportunities" are like having a trampoline full of children that always want to play and often need to eat and all want your attention and all at the same time and then they get dirty and they need a bath and then they want to go back on the trampoline again and if you haven't had any sleep you're absolutely one hundred thousand percent doomed. 

  Meditation is like sleep. It's an intentional act of loving - loving for the sake of restoring - balancing - inviting - and deep deep resting. 

  As I've been meditating this week I have definitely become more calm about things. More willing to keep putting one foot in front of another in a very non-dramatic, non-doomsday kind of way. A steady way... 

  An all right way. 


* Tell me about your creative chaos? What does it look like, sound like, feel like.... how do you help yourself rest when it consumes you? 


Rewind to Day 6
Fast Forward to Day 8 

energy up, writing down

6:01 AM // Day 6 

Meditation Time: 49min. 

  My body is beginning to wake up before 6am now, even if I sleep through my alarm. It feels more normal. Less thinking. Even in meditation the thinking is less pronounced, still there - yes, but more out of focus - less in my face. 

  Observation: My energy is rising and generally I've been more productive, I rest more completely when I do rest and I haven't been panic napping. Panic napping? Yeah... I don't really feel like talking about it right now. I don't really feel like writing either.



Rewind to Day 5
Fast Forward to Day 7
  

"face" in the room with baby blue walls

10:16 AM - ish // DAY 5

Meditation Time: approx. 40min. 

  Meditating in someone elses space with full daylight streaming in was an interesting twist on my morning ritual. I'm out of town visiting friends this weekend and was invited to share my meditation time with my host in my host's rectangular meditation room, with baby blue walls. 

  I like it dark and I do prefer the early early hours when life is still and I know children aren't down stairs watching t.v. But the perfect scenario is not always obtainable - so one must create the perfect scenario out of what is available. It's good to mix things up. Not get too set on one formula. To give myself permission to access my inner being anywhere anytime is the point of all this. Sitting everyday is only practice for "practicing" intimacy with Self in any given situation - in the world or in a cave, with strangers or with friends. 

  This morning there were faces when I closed my eyes and the sounds of my tummy digesting homemade Swedish pancakes. Yum! The reoccurring face was visibly breathing (mouth open/mouth closed) and then there were other faces too... changing features before my very inside eyes. I won't tell you what that means, because I don't know. Are they figments of my imagination? Visions of my ancestors, a lineage from another time, maybe reflections of the many aspects of me, or perhaps just a means of distraction? Will I begin meditating on the face? Or that which is beyond the face? 

  This morning it was just the face. Maybe when I get home later I'll draw a picture. (PS... I got home later).

I swear the face wasn't scary - it was dark and shadowy and breathing with an open mouth, but not scary.

 

  Do you ever see things when you close your eyes? 

Rewind to Day 4
Fast Forward to Day 6

the akka channel ? ? ?

5:48 AM // DAY 4 

Meditation Time: 1 Hour and 1 Minute

  I second guessed myself yesterday after going live with this blog. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING AKKA??? I mean, not only do I have to meditate every morning like I said I would, but now I have to write every morning too?! Not to mention I have just let the whole world virtually walk in on my most sacred time, my most intimate self-time. What kind of a weirdo am I? Despite my confidence proceeding a launch - every time I actually go public with something new, I have all the thoughts that make me human and make me feel exposed and ridiculous for trying. But the good news is... I'm getting used to the - I can do anything - I can't do anything - F*%k it I'm gonna do anything anyway (because that's what I signed up for and I'm not backing down) rhythm, that rides in the saddle of all I do. 

  Did anything I just wrote make any sense? 

  Meditation this morning... LOVE! I slipped into my sitting place and heard myself tell myself over and over again, LET GO, Let Go, You Can't Control Any Of This Anyway So Just Let Go.... And I did, more than any of the other proceeding days. I felt the buttery feeling I've been hoping for. My body softened like it had been slurping up mid-morning sun, but it wasn't hot, it was silky. An hour passed - it felt like 22 minutes. 

  Then I climbed back under my Saturday morning covers and had the most luxurious sleep I've had in months. I slept till 9AM!!!! A miracle. 

  I'm totally into miracles.

Rewind to Day 3
Fast Forward to Day 5

dreamitation

5:37 AM // Day 3

Meditation Time: 50 min.

  I'm exhausted. 5 hours of sleep is not enough rest for this waking up routine, sitting in a sacred way routine, packing daughter lunch and getting her off to school all before 7:30am routine. Hey! It's Friday the 13th!! Must be lucky!! So tonight I'll be canceling all social engagements and going to bed at 10pm. Why am I telling you all this? 

*What a truly strange drawing akka, oh well.

  I sat for  a little longer this morning, but tipped over 30 minutes in - landing in a little lumpy pile like a half beaten egg. It felt good. It helped me let go... I saw some swirly lights then drifted into a dreamitation, (1/2 dreaming 1/2 meditating) not sure if you can find that word in the meditation text book, I'm also not sure that it wasn't just a full on dream state (I would like to think I was semi-conscious for). Doesn't matter. I liked it. Plus it makes me feel like a sweet lil' baby swaddled up like I used to be. Like we all used to be. 

How are you celebrating Friday the 13th? 

Rewind to Day 2
Fast Forward to Day 4 

sipping on it

6:03 AM // Day 2

Meditation Time: 30 min. 

  So super yummy cozy in bed this morning, my body wrapped in dreams and needing extra sleep. I hit the pillow before midnight (I think) which is pretty good for me, but it also lends me a solid excuse for talking myself out of meditation in the early hours. I heard myself say "I can't" but quickly managed to change it to, "I can." And I did eventually, but not without first promising myself a cuppa tea. 

  Note to self: Drink ALL your tea before engaging in meditative activities, otherwise your one pointedness on deep, still, profound inner things will undoubtedly be interrupted by thoughts of hot milky sweet tea growing cold on the hutch at your side.

MeditaTEAng

  Observation: My shoulders were tight, I couldn't stop writing blog posts in my head and when I lit my candle this morning, I was hyper aware of how much desk clutter I had to dig through to find my lighter and the small piles of dust that really aren't serving me.  

  But ya know what? It's all okay, because ya know why? When I did finally sit down at 6:03AM, hot tea distractions, clutter piles, lack of sleep and all - THERE WAS A SMILE ON MY FACE GLOWING FROM EAR TO EAR!  I got there, I was sitting in place, I was giving it to myself. Two days in a row!

Do you know what an accomplishment that is? 

No small steps here, that's what I say. 

Cheers! 

Rewind to Day 1
Fast forward to Day 3

i meditate

5:55am // Day 1
Meditation Time: 30min.

  This is not the first day of the new year, or a full moon, or a new moon, or my birthday or any particularly auspicious day for renewing commitment to Self - (makes me wonder who the authorities are on auspicious days). It's a school day for my 12-year-old, it's Wednesday, and it's not raining. 

  At 5:55am I had been awake long enough to have a quick shower and prepare a space for my intentional return. Meditation - like I used to do. The great dip inside; the great reside. To be honest, I've been tinkering with a meditation routine since the start of this new year, working up to it, but only in a dabbling way... a wondering if I'll be able to follow through with it kind of way. 

  Can I? Will I be able to greet each day by honoring my insides first, quieting without falling asleep, seeing without looking, hearing without listening and being without becoming? I don't know for sure anything, except - I want to. 

  Today I sat for 30 minutes, but it zipped by like it was 10. I stayed awake and watched the thoughts spin like I expected to. I breathed deeply when I remembered, and sat up more straight when I forgot. I was aware of the cat chasing itself outside my door and my child shuffling across the early hours, and yes - I did think about superfluous things and non-superfluous things, and writing this blog post, and dreams and challenges and such. 

  Hi, I am akka b. and I am beginning. Again. Already I have a strange excitement about this. Not only sharing all the ways I enter meditation and meditation enters me, but how it changes my life, what works, what doesn't - just everything. Yes, I am going to share with you EVERYTHING about this mystical tour of my insides, and my search for peace in this very outside leaning world. 
 
  Feel free to comment, share, ask and wonder along with me. You may even feel inclined to try such an experiment yourself - if you aren't doing so already. 

  I enCOURAGE you. And I thank you for being here, because you also enCOURAGE me. 

 Big love on the first day of all the rest,


 akka b.

   *
Fast forward to Day 2