i was expecting bliss...

6:25AM // Day 22

Mediation Time 13 minutes (NOT ENOUGH) 

  After days of half participating in my meditation practice... 

  By that I mean, skimming the surface, barely dipping in, giving myself only a few minutes here or there at random times to connect - (out of a sense of obligation rather than heart) I finally sat this morning with anticipation. Isn't it funny how when you finally feel ready, the world has it's way with you?

  

  I was interrupted multiple times - by the cat, by the child, by the phone... Just as I was beginning to sink into the honey place, the warm yummy place I've been so longing to experience. What a tease. What a damn tease. I got about 13 minutes of sitting time. Total focused uninterrupted time: approx. 2 minutes.

  I admit that I had been secretly hoping this mediation experiment was going to pick up right where I left off when I was meditating regularly - some years ago. Technology is reconstructing our minds to be accessed only by that which instantly gratifies. We want instant bliss, instant answers, instant ego stroking... 

  When I split with my husband in 2003 I took refuge in a regular practice of meditation as a means to resurrect my damaged sense of self. It was my rock, my bliss, my happy place. I felt connected to the sacred in me and was steadily committed to honoring myself through this special time. Because of my commitment I began experiencing amazing places inside myself; beautiful sounds, lights, waves of love and stillness. 

  Like anything, it's not like you forget how to do it just because you haven't done it for a while. But you may need to rebuild muscle and reinvigorate stamina to be able to go the distance.

  I guess that's where I'm at. Trying not to give up just because I'm not instantly accessing the juiciest parts. Like any kind of commitment... there is a training period, it takes elbow grease at first, and then it takes every day recommitting, trying again, trying it new, forgiving the stumbles, get up, try again... keep going.

i do.

Rewind to Day 21

Fast Forward to Day 23