i was expecting bliss...

6:25AM // Day 22

Mediation Time 13 minutes (NOT ENOUGH) 

  After days of half participating in my meditation practice... 

  By that I mean, skimming the surface, barely dipping in, giving myself only a few minutes here or there at random times to connect - (out of a sense of obligation rather than heart) I finally sat this morning with anticipation. Isn't it funny how when you finally feel ready, the world has it's way with you?

  

  I was interrupted multiple times - by the cat, by the child, by the phone... Just as I was beginning to sink into the honey place, the warm yummy place I've been so longing to experience. What a tease. What a damn tease. I got about 13 minutes of sitting time. Total focused uninterrupted time: approx. 2 minutes.

  I admit that I had been secretly hoping this mediation experiment was going to pick up right where I left off when I was meditating regularly - some years ago. Technology is reconstructing our minds to be accessed only by that which instantly gratifies. We want instant bliss, instant answers, instant ego stroking... 

  When I split with my husband in 2003 I took refuge in a regular practice of meditation as a means to resurrect my damaged sense of self. It was my rock, my bliss, my happy place. I felt connected to the sacred in me and was steadily committed to honoring myself through this special time. Because of my commitment I began experiencing amazing places inside myself; beautiful sounds, lights, waves of love and stillness. 

  Like anything, it's not like you forget how to do it just because you haven't done it for a while. But you may need to rebuild muscle and reinvigorate stamina to be able to go the distance.

  I guess that's where I'm at. Trying not to give up just because I'm not instantly accessing the juiciest parts. Like any kind of commitment... there is a training period, it takes elbow grease at first, and then it takes every day recommitting, trying again, trying it new, forgiving the stumbles, get up, try again... keep going.

i do.

Rewind to Day 21

Fast Forward to Day 23

 

trampoline of creative chaos

6:31 AM // Day 7

Meditation Time: 14min.

    All the things I want to do are acting like kids on a trampoline... boing, boing, boing! "Pick me, pick me" they all say. I do want to pick them ALL - and at the same time of course. As a creative creature I get easily overwhelmed by all the 'so much's' pushing to get in. I do want them ALL, and I want to run away from them too. Often I feel like I won't be able to handle even one thing, because I can't separate the "one" thing from all the things.

  Creating this blog, has been a little like doing - one more thing that I don't really NEED to be doing. I could easily be busy for the rest of my life, just focusing on poetry and accessing the heart through creativity. But, here's the truth:

  That "one more thing I don't really NEED to be doing" statement I made earlier - is a total lie. It's a lie because as I've been doing it (this daily meditation thing and blogging about it thing), it has become evident to me there ARE some things I NEED, and this practice of connecting to my quiet, warm, buzzy place is essential to managing my trampoline of ideas that will never go away. 

  Yes - creative ideas and "opportunities" are like having a trampoline full of children that always want to play and often need to eat and all want your attention and all at the same time and then they get dirty and they need a bath and then they want to go back on the trampoline again and if you haven't had any sleep you're absolutely one hundred thousand percent doomed. 

  Meditation is like sleep. It's an intentional act of loving - loving for the sake of restoring - balancing - inviting - and deep deep resting. 

  As I've been meditating this week I have definitely become more calm about things. More willing to keep putting one foot in front of another in a very non-dramatic, non-doomsday kind of way. A steady way... 

  An all right way. 


* Tell me about your creative chaos? What does it look like, sound like, feel like.... how do you help yourself rest when it consumes you? 


Rewind to Day 6
Fast Forward to Day 8