the way it is, is the way it's meant to be

6:09 AM // Day 23 

Meditation Time: 29 min. 

  Observation: I'm becoming more sensitized to over-stimulation. The other day I vowed to get off the internet for 36 hours. That's a long time in my world. Blogging, Facebooking, emailing and research keeps me pretty well hooked-up throughout the day. Every single one of those activities is a pull outside myself. Maybe I'm not 'traveling to other worlds' in my mediation yet, because first I am meant to become hyper aware of the world I am in now. What works and what is out of balance. 

  Attempting to sit still in the morning is in total juxtaposition to the fragmenting that happens through the overuse of technology. Putting myself 'out there' on the internet opens a gigantic door of access - not just for me to the world, but the world to me. It's wonderful, as I am connected to amazing people and information that I could have never imagined 10 years ago. But if I'm not taking care of myself, not resting or eating regularly, getting exercise etc. my ability to remain detached from all the stimulus - weakens, and I find it harder and harder to access my own thoughts, heart and the intuition I rely on for my work.

  I gave myself a gift. Over the past 42 hours I have not stepped onto the internet once. Paying attention to just me; I cleaned my space, did piles of laundry, napped, went to the chiropractor, made art, took baths, cooked a real meal with my daughter and read a book! 

  I also began to feel new things.  Valuing myself and my own time just a little, made me realize how much I haven't be valuing myself enough at all. Focused on giving other people an experience of poetry or art or heart or help or my time - I forget to give myself those things first. I do that a lot. Tears welled in me over this today. I began reflecting on all the areas of my life where I haven't given myself value and what ended up manifesting in the world, work or through relationships in order to reflect back what is sometimes hard to see without a mirror. 

whoa - heavy

  Meditation has not been a super bliss ball for me yet. It's been pleasant, but not tremendously sensual. The changes occurring are subtle and not so subtle, my life is waking up. I'm being made to look at the little pockets of discomfort or imbalance so easily ignored when just going through the motions of everyday - day to day to day to day existence. 

  The challenge is staying with it and trusting that the way it is, is the way it's meant to be. 

Rewind to Day 22

the safety of suffering

8:37 AM // Day 15

Meditation Time: 33min. 

  Using my heart more. Or less. Things beginning to come into focus around my issues or other peoples issues brought to my awareness. It's like thin films of skin over the eyes lifting one by one. With every blink - more clarity. A little more sense extracted from the nonsense we create. 

Photo by Devadatta Best http://www.lightinspiredart.com

  It fascinates me how glued we are to our own suffering... whatever particular form it manifests for us. We all have a go-to place we resort to when not willing or ready to move forward with our life. Even when things are really good - great opportunities are falling from the sky - it's unbelievably easy to justify turning our back on grace, in order to return to our safe suffering place. I'm not saying we like suffering, I'm saying we're comfortable there. Are we socially conditioned to believe suffering is acceptable - noble even, and living our bliss, living our worth, following our dreams is asking too much? Or that suffering is REAL(ity) and bliss - an illusion - a mirage of temporary fleeting childish delight? 

  I'm experimenting with the latter. 

  How do you choose "suffering", daily, weekly, monthly? And what gives you the strength to follow your heart, ask for what you're worth - follow through with joy?

Rewind to Day 14
Fast Forward to Day 16

the key of loving i

10:02 AM // Day 14

Meditation Time: 28min.

Too simple it would be - 
To find atop an icy mountain 

Or gather
Under waterfalls of man made stars

Too easy it would be -  
To catch in the first wave

Ride in the first high

Hit - the rock bottom 

Too common it would be - 
To grasp from pages of a well told story

One with religious undertones/or overtones

(Way too common that would be)

This Simple
Looking.

Too asking

To wondering

Too challenging

To investing

Too testing

To trying

Too regretting

To getting

Too losing

To trusting

Too fearing

To friending

The love

Inside

Too simple

This l o v e 

i hide

Rewind to Day 13

Fast Forward to Day 15

did meditation clean my room?

6:16 AM // Day 12

Meditation Time: 28min. 

SOMETHING PROFOUND HAPPENED 

(please read yesterdays post, then read this one all the way to the bottom)

 *Sharing snippets of my daily life is relevant to this meditation experiment; I want to break stagnant sludgy patterns that keep me from living my best, most complete, fullest honey dripping, bliss chasing, crowd rousing, dance happy life.......SO. 

  So if I notice my life changing during the course of this daily meditation ritual/experiment of waking up at absurd hours, sitting up straight with my eyes closed and breathing in funny ways, then I'm going to make note of it.

THIS IS A CONTINUATION FROM YESTERDAY'S POST

  I took nearly EVERYTHING out of my room... peeled my 12-year-old daughter off the computer so we could take nearly everything out of her room too! All day was spent shoving furniture around, emptying book shelves, dusting everywhere, sweeping, folding, rethinking and reawakening our personal space. 

  Late last night as I was pulling back together the sweet details of my surroundings... I paused. My heart was tingling, my eyes were smiling, I was experiencing a state of expansion like I remember when I was 18 and life was before me and I was painting it the way I wanted and having hope. Making space for myself to function correctly is a reclamation of hope. 

  Life isn't out of our power. We shape it all the time by what we do, or don't do. When our heart breaks it's easy to give up pieces of the hope we are born with. When it breaks repeatedly, we give up more pieces. We give up lots of things. But I think hope might be the most dangerous.

  Is it too early to say meditation is helping me recollect the pieces? Is it meditation? Or is it my commitment to meditation? Offering time to myself everyday; could it be causing me to care more? Could it be causing me to become more aware of that which blocks me from caring more? 

hmn...

Rewind to Day 11

Fast Forward to Day 13

storm

Mid-Morning // Day 11

Meditation Time: Not Long Enough (10 or 12 minutes)

  The weather people predicted a storm in Southern California and they sure did get one!! I was raging since first light and I think there may have been a little rain too... 

  Pissed at the weather - not because there was some, but because there wasn't enough. Then my space was driving me crazy - particularly everything, but most particularly my meditation/writing/sleeping space. Overwhelmed completely by my "stuff." (I mean that figuratively and literally of course). Feelings like - I CAN'T DO IT ALL and I HAVE TO DO IT ALL!! Feeling trapped by too much coming at me, even though lots of it has to do with my dreams coming true. Tired of moving things around to make them temporarily feel fixed - I WANT AN ENTIRE OVERHAUL, INSIDE OUT, UPSIDE DOWN, CLEAN IT UP, MOVE IT OUT, MAKE IT WORK - DAY OF RECKONING! 

  But not until after I have a cry in my robe on the kitchen floor... 

Me in my robe crying on the kitchen floor.

   
  To be continued...


Rewind to Day 10
Fast Forward to Day 12

trampoline of creative chaos

6:31 AM // Day 7

Meditation Time: 14min.

    All the things I want to do are acting like kids on a trampoline... boing, boing, boing! "Pick me, pick me" they all say. I do want to pick them ALL - and at the same time of course. As a creative creature I get easily overwhelmed by all the 'so much's' pushing to get in. I do want them ALL, and I want to run away from them too. Often I feel like I won't be able to handle even one thing, because I can't separate the "one" thing from all the things.

  Creating this blog, has been a little like doing - one more thing that I don't really NEED to be doing. I could easily be busy for the rest of my life, just focusing on poetry and accessing the heart through creativity. But, here's the truth:

  That "one more thing I don't really NEED to be doing" statement I made earlier - is a total lie. It's a lie because as I've been doing it (this daily meditation thing and blogging about it thing), it has become evident to me there ARE some things I NEED, and this practice of connecting to my quiet, warm, buzzy place is essential to managing my trampoline of ideas that will never go away. 

  Yes - creative ideas and "opportunities" are like having a trampoline full of children that always want to play and often need to eat and all want your attention and all at the same time and then they get dirty and they need a bath and then they want to go back on the trampoline again and if you haven't had any sleep you're absolutely one hundred thousand percent doomed. 

  Meditation is like sleep. It's an intentional act of loving - loving for the sake of restoring - balancing - inviting - and deep deep resting. 

  As I've been meditating this week I have definitely become more calm about things. More willing to keep putting one foot in front of another in a very non-dramatic, non-doomsday kind of way. A steady way... 

  An all right way. 


* Tell me about your creative chaos? What does it look like, sound like, feel like.... how do you help yourself rest when it consumes you? 


Rewind to Day 6
Fast Forward to Day 8