i was expecting bliss...

6:25AM // Day 22

Mediation Time 13 minutes (NOT ENOUGH) 

  After days of half participating in my meditation practice... 

  By that I mean, skimming the surface, barely dipping in, giving myself only a few minutes here or there at random times to connect - (out of a sense of obligation rather than heart) I finally sat this morning with anticipation. Isn't it funny how when you finally feel ready, the world has it's way with you?

  

  I was interrupted multiple times - by the cat, by the child, by the phone... Just as I was beginning to sink into the honey place, the warm yummy place I've been so longing to experience. What a tease. What a damn tease. I got about 13 minutes of sitting time. Total focused uninterrupted time: approx. 2 minutes.

  I admit that I had been secretly hoping this mediation experiment was going to pick up right where I left off when I was meditating regularly - some years ago. Technology is reconstructing our minds to be accessed only by that which instantly gratifies. We want instant bliss, instant answers, instant ego stroking... 

  When I split with my husband in 2003 I took refuge in a regular practice of meditation as a means to resurrect my damaged sense of self. It was my rock, my bliss, my happy place. I felt connected to the sacred in me and was steadily committed to honoring myself through this special time. Because of my commitment I began experiencing amazing places inside myself; beautiful sounds, lights, waves of love and stillness. 

  Like anything, it's not like you forget how to do it just because you haven't done it for a while. But you may need to rebuild muscle and reinvigorate stamina to be able to go the distance.

  I guess that's where I'm at. Trying not to give up just because I'm not instantly accessing the juiciest parts. Like any kind of commitment... there is a training period, it takes elbow grease at first, and then it takes every day recommitting, trying again, trying it new, forgiving the stumbles, get up, try again... keep going.

i do.

Rewind to Day 21

Fast Forward to Day 23

 

storm

Mid-Morning // Day 11

Meditation Time: Not Long Enough (10 or 12 minutes)

  The weather people predicted a storm in Southern California and they sure did get one!! I was raging since first light and I think there may have been a little rain too... 

  Pissed at the weather - not because there was some, but because there wasn't enough. Then my space was driving me crazy - particularly everything, but most particularly my meditation/writing/sleeping space. Overwhelmed completely by my "stuff." (I mean that figuratively and literally of course). Feelings like - I CAN'T DO IT ALL and I HAVE TO DO IT ALL!! Feeling trapped by too much coming at me, even though lots of it has to do with my dreams coming true. Tired of moving things around to make them temporarily feel fixed - I WANT AN ENTIRE OVERHAUL, INSIDE OUT, UPSIDE DOWN, CLEAN IT UP, MOVE IT OUT, MAKE IT WORK - DAY OF RECKONING! 

  But not until after I have a cry in my robe on the kitchen floor... 

Me in my robe crying on the kitchen floor.

   
  To be continued...


Rewind to Day 10
Fast Forward to Day 12

i guess i feel naked again

After 9 AM // Day 9

Meditation Time: I don't know

It's the naked feeling I get when I begin something new. 

In this case it didn't begin in the beginning, it began on day 9. 

Hello day 9. 

How uncomfortable you are!

You, in relation to the world. 

Me - in relation to the world, actually.

Why are your eyes going in so many directions akka?

Day 9. 

Is anyone watching? 

Is no one watching? 

What are the watching or the not watching wondering? 

Is it very interesting to be watching and wondering?

Or wondering what you're watching?

Or watching what you're watching?

Or watching what I am wondering about what you are watching? 

I guess I feel naked again

Under all these complicated layers of watching and not watching 
I've been watching myself watch myself watching. 

It feels like someone else is watching. 

But I guess it's just me. Or...? 

Rewind to Day 8
Fast Forward to Day 10

the akka channel ? ? ?

5:48 AM // DAY 4 

Meditation Time: 1 Hour and 1 Minute

  I second guessed myself yesterday after going live with this blog. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING AKKA??? I mean, not only do I have to meditate every morning like I said I would, but now I have to write every morning too?! Not to mention I have just let the whole world virtually walk in on my most sacred time, my most intimate self-time. What kind of a weirdo am I? Despite my confidence proceeding a launch - every time I actually go public with something new, I have all the thoughts that make me human and make me feel exposed and ridiculous for trying. But the good news is... I'm getting used to the - I can do anything - I can't do anything - F*%k it I'm gonna do anything anyway (because that's what I signed up for and I'm not backing down) rhythm, that rides in the saddle of all I do. 

  Did anything I just wrote make any sense? 

  Meditation this morning... LOVE! I slipped into my sitting place and heard myself tell myself over and over again, LET GO, Let Go, You Can't Control Any Of This Anyway So Just Let Go.... And I did, more than any of the other proceeding days. I felt the buttery feeling I've been hoping for. My body softened like it had been slurping up mid-morning sun, but it wasn't hot, it was silky. An hour passed - it felt like 22 minutes. 

  Then I climbed back under my Saturday morning covers and had the most luxurious sleep I've had in months. I slept till 9AM!!!! A miracle. 

  I'm totally into miracles.

Rewind to Day 3
Fast Forward to Day 5

sipping on it

6:03 AM // Day 2

Meditation Time: 30 min. 

  So super yummy cozy in bed this morning, my body wrapped in dreams and needing extra sleep. I hit the pillow before midnight (I think) which is pretty good for me, but it also lends me a solid excuse for talking myself out of meditation in the early hours. I heard myself say "I can't" but quickly managed to change it to, "I can." And I did eventually, but not without first promising myself a cuppa tea. 

  Note to self: Drink ALL your tea before engaging in meditative activities, otherwise your one pointedness on deep, still, profound inner things will undoubtedly be interrupted by thoughts of hot milky sweet tea growing cold on the hutch at your side.

MeditaTEAng

  Observation: My shoulders were tight, I couldn't stop writing blog posts in my head and when I lit my candle this morning, I was hyper aware of how much desk clutter I had to dig through to find my lighter and the small piles of dust that really aren't serving me.  

  But ya know what? It's all okay, because ya know why? When I did finally sit down at 6:03AM, hot tea distractions, clutter piles, lack of sleep and all - THERE WAS A SMILE ON MY FACE GLOWING FROM EAR TO EAR!  I got there, I was sitting in place, I was giving it to myself. Two days in a row!

Do you know what an accomplishment that is? 

No small steps here, that's what I say. 

Cheers! 

Rewind to Day 1
Fast forward to Day 3