the safety of suffering

8:37 AM // Day 15

Meditation Time: 33min. 

  Using my heart more. Or less. Things beginning to come into focus around my issues or other peoples issues brought to my awareness. It's like thin films of skin over the eyes lifting one by one. With every blink - more clarity. A little more sense extracted from the nonsense we create. 

Photo by Devadatta Best http://www.lightinspiredart.com

  It fascinates me how glued we are to our own suffering... whatever particular form it manifests for us. We all have a go-to place we resort to when not willing or ready to move forward with our life. Even when things are really good - great opportunities are falling from the sky - it's unbelievably easy to justify turning our back on grace, in order to return to our safe suffering place. I'm not saying we like suffering, I'm saying we're comfortable there. Are we socially conditioned to believe suffering is acceptable - noble even, and living our bliss, living our worth, following our dreams is asking too much? Or that suffering is REAL(ity) and bliss - an illusion - a mirage of temporary fleeting childish delight? 

  I'm experimenting with the latter. 

  How do you choose "suffering", daily, weekly, monthly? And what gives you the strength to follow your heart, ask for what you're worth - follow through with joy?

Rewind to Day 14
Fast Forward to Day 16

the key of loving i

10:02 AM // Day 14

Meditation Time: 28min.

Too simple it would be - 
To find atop an icy mountain 

Or gather
Under waterfalls of man made stars

Too easy it would be -  
To catch in the first wave

Ride in the first high

Hit - the rock bottom 

Too common it would be - 
To grasp from pages of a well told story

One with religious undertones/or overtones

(Way too common that would be)

This Simple
Looking.

Too asking

To wondering

Too challenging

To investing

Too testing

To trying

Too regretting

To getting

Too losing

To trusting

Too fearing

To friending

The love

Inside

Too simple

This l o v e 

i hide

Rewind to Day 13

Fast Forward to Day 15

did meditation clean my room?

6:16 AM // Day 12

Meditation Time: 28min. 

SOMETHING PROFOUND HAPPENED 

(please read yesterdays post, then read this one all the way to the bottom)

 *Sharing snippets of my daily life is relevant to this meditation experiment; I want to break stagnant sludgy patterns that keep me from living my best, most complete, fullest honey dripping, bliss chasing, crowd rousing, dance happy life.......SO. 

  So if I notice my life changing during the course of this daily meditation ritual/experiment of waking up at absurd hours, sitting up straight with my eyes closed and breathing in funny ways, then I'm going to make note of it.

THIS IS A CONTINUATION FROM YESTERDAY'S POST

  I took nearly EVERYTHING out of my room... peeled my 12-year-old daughter off the computer so we could take nearly everything out of her room too! All day was spent shoving furniture around, emptying book shelves, dusting everywhere, sweeping, folding, rethinking and reawakening our personal space. 

  Late last night as I was pulling back together the sweet details of my surroundings... I paused. My heart was tingling, my eyes were smiling, I was experiencing a state of expansion like I remember when I was 18 and life was before me and I was painting it the way I wanted and having hope. Making space for myself to function correctly is a reclamation of hope. 

  Life isn't out of our power. We shape it all the time by what we do, or don't do. When our heart breaks it's easy to give up pieces of the hope we are born with. When it breaks repeatedly, we give up more pieces. We give up lots of things. But I think hope might be the most dangerous.

  Is it too early to say meditation is helping me recollect the pieces? Is it meditation? Or is it my commitment to meditation? Offering time to myself everyday; could it be causing me to care more? Could it be causing me to become more aware of that which blocks me from caring more? 

hmn...

Rewind to Day 11

Fast Forward to Day 13

i guess i feel naked again

After 9 AM // Day 9

Meditation Time: I don't know

It's the naked feeling I get when I begin something new. 

In this case it didn't begin in the beginning, it began on day 9. 

Hello day 9. 

How uncomfortable you are!

You, in relation to the world. 

Me - in relation to the world, actually.

Why are your eyes going in so many directions akka?

Day 9. 

Is anyone watching? 

Is no one watching? 

What are the watching or the not watching wondering? 

Is it very interesting to be watching and wondering?

Or wondering what you're watching?

Or watching what you're watching?

Or watching what I am wondering about what you are watching? 

I guess I feel naked again

Under all these complicated layers of watching and not watching 
I've been watching myself watch myself watching. 

It feels like someone else is watching. 

But I guess it's just me. Or...? 

Rewind to Day 8
Fast Forward to Day 10